shedding skin

hellish

2009-04-04T09:06:27Z

why does a man say such things?

again I'm confirmed tht my other is less then a man,
for he has nasty addictions
if its not his pot habit..its "his yea if i want to snort cocaine i will."
MATURE REAL MATURE
such a foolish banter with a lonesome dove

im honestly . and fully not willing to provide anything with such
a sorry ass crack head.!

he's absorbed my last sweet honey drop .
that he could never appreciate.
even if he tried.

le sign....
angry notes or folly of jokes are simply DONE.
i sit with want and ambition he sits
with resind lungs and jADED heart and mind
not ever wanting to try.

he's aloser at a game tht he never honestly participated in.
so i say say LA VE' .lol

Dear journal>>>>>

2008-12-12T05:53:22Z

Its been 8 hrs. since my last entry. =P
----------------------------------------------

i enjoy escaping thru movies ..such a temporary relief.
but then a frustrating "association" arises.
::ROMANCE:: is it a dead language?

set scene:(gender optional) boy courts girl- flirtly banter-girl lets boy kiss girl- girl kisses
boy-touchy.touchy _gropey- FEELY. Passion.lust.FucK.LOVE.
bitter sweet lingers ..cute witty banter.kissey kiss. So on and so forth.
!::ROMANCE sweet cute romance. SEXY ROMANCE:::

why is instant gratification a mandatory robotic expectancy?
(geez-i feel like CARRIE from sex in the city..HA!)
But seriously.
why is it....that you can only find romance in the movies?

And , is it wrong to ..slight possibly have the want to LEave your other to
find that with a new?
I have a lot of LOVE ..and it doesnt seem as if he wants it or. even cares to explore ANYMORE.
i know why its difficult for me to initiate...for..all the those times ..i was pushed away.
LITERALLY. Actually. What's his excuse?

For me, RoMaNce...the whole scene is set. the entire night.
and all he and I need to do is fill the the comfy.warm.blanks.(or blankets*wink,smile*)
(bottle red. a feather,candles,and some lotion)

Where has all the romance gone?

and its a miss.

2008-12-11T21:50:50Z

i understand where to place blame.
i have no quams with being wrong;
nobody likes it..heh...but i understand.

when push comes to shove..you never seem to release,
its always a barrier of stubborn stale air.
you exhauste me. i become tired..and then reflect your nasty horrible stubborn
traits. i dont like it!.
i could sit here and waste time with tit-for -tat but thats YOU.
or speak in circles of blame and not understand- but thats your personal misery.
i dare not be consumed.
the more i try to understand the more i lose ME.
and i willl NOT lose myself!
I guess what im trying to say is:
i give up! i cant understand why you simply
cannot apologize when wrong. or simply admit when wrong.
which is an apology all in itself.
Change is not what i want ..learning and growth together..is what we need gain.

confession of a bleeding heart.

2008-12-09T23:08:12Z

i am like you,,i get lost in emotion and commotion. (agitation)

after fever has diminshed , i then realize i was right but wrong
right , for being human and expressive...wrong, by being brutish in the delivery.

and another fuel to that fire-heat, was liquor.
that horrible eve, was the lack of companionship and communication on your part - not wanting to be with me. (or so it seemd to be)
so ii DRANK- DRANK drank ...drank drank..
the feeling that you are embarassed to be seen with me.. or the wanting of others to KNOW we are together.
i blame you too.
becuz it DOES take 2.
action for every reaction.

::::self realization:
i honestly know NOW, that, from our colorful-dreaded past hardships ;
my soul is taking it out on you..when intoxicated with remorse and altered state.
(those are my footnotes from past)
not saying UNFAIR, but it hurts.
hurts me that i hurt you.:::::

back to present:
im not sure if u truly understand i drink NOT to get drunk
but to subdue the pain of heightend feelings.
to numb temporaily; so that i can focus and laugh.
(becuz sometimes i forget - to breath and laugh)
that night may have seemed like past horrible happens..but it wasnt.
i will not live in the past events.
but I now know better,
to make the present,
a gift from the past for renewel towards the future.
(a happier and loving future)

cont. . . .

grace_manifesto @ 2008-12-07T03:25:00

2008-12-07T08:26:38Z

hi.
so,..i hear writing thoughts of colorful to dreadful times
could be quite the grow for some.
lately ive tried to live life as it comes...but it seems QUITE difficult.
just when you've stopped to smell the roses ...a gigantic black spider sits down beside you.
this magnificent 8 legged creature begins to create what it does naturally- the web of truth.

and in that instant you realize how beautiful life really is.